Some people love traveling all around the world. Me? Uh not really.
Why? One word: ANXIETY. The meme I posted above and the one below describe exactly how I feel. Really, anything could happen:
I tired to find other posts about what exactly about going on trips makes me feel so anxious. Is it that I could get lost in a place I'm not familiar with? For some people yes, but not me. Is it that I could get kidnapped (thanks to that movie "Taken")? Well, yeah. That does cause me some anxiety, but that isn't THE trigger for it. Is it that I'll get super sick in a place where I have no idea where to find a doctor? No, hello Google, find me a doctor.
For me it is the fear of being killed or dying from something. What if the plane crashes? Or some psycho is on there with a bomb? What if I am somewhere and there is a shooting? Or a targeted terrorist act? What if my Uber driver crashes? What if the subway explodes? These are all legit thoughts that I have.
Now, I'm not afraid of the actual dying part, but being gone. I'm terrified of leaving those I love behind. I have a husband and two young kids who need me. I can't leave them on this earth without me. What would that do to my kids if they lost their mom? I need to be the one to help them throughout their lives. I feel like me dying would totally screw them over.
Those people are the ones I care about the most. I can't leave them, I just can't.
I have a trip I'm going on with my siblings in a few weeks and my mind is constantly being bombarded with those fears about dying. Some people may ask why I agreed to go on the trip in the first place. Well, because I don't want anxiety to hinder me from living my life. I would have missed out on a lot of great memories if I had just stayed shut up in my house. And with previous trips I've had those thoughts before and everything was fine.
But part of me is still always thinking "Well, but what if something happens THIS time?"
I was talking to my cousin about it and she said something great. She said something along the lines of "Well, if my kids are meant to be here on this earth without their mom, then it'll happen either way." Okay, I don't remember the exact words she used, but that is pretty close. Basically, my life is in God's hands. I need to trust that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Now, my heart is still seriously pounding in my chest as I write this article. The anxiety is still here keeping me company as I type. I'm still asking all of the "what if" questions. Yes, I believe in God and I like to think that I trust in him. It is definitely easier said than done though.
I'm not sure the point of this post. It is probably just for me to get this out there. I can't be the only person with this fear! I will still travel, and I will still have fun. And I will try to remember and trust that my life is in God's hands.
UPDATE: I went on my trip and didn't die! I wrote a post all about it here.
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