Let me preface today's post with this: I'm not writing this to offend anyone. I am writing this because this is how I'M feeling, this is MY experience, and these are MY thoughts :)
Don't let that picture fool you. Today was rough. Like, it got to the point where I was going to lose my crap if I heard "mom!" one more time.
I love my kids, I really do. But sometimes, I wonder who I would be and what I would be doing if I didn't have kids.
Some people reading this may be thinking that I'm a horrible person and wondering why I even had kids in the first place. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, even though I'm probably one of the few who will actually admit it.
Today around 2:00 pm, I was done. Done with the day, done with being a mom. But unfortunately when you are a parent you can't just clock out for the day. I needed to pass the time somehow. So we went to the library. When kids go to the library, they are supposed to run and find some fun books to read and look at while I also look around at some other books or sit on my butt and take a mental break.
But within two minutes of being there I hear my daughter calling for me to come read her a book. I'm not going to lie, I was so irritated. Why couldn't she just freaking look at the book by herself for a little bit? She is a persistent child, so even when I tell her I will come in a minute, she doesn't stop calling for me to come.... until I actually go to her.
Let's pause the story there for a minute. I am so happy that my kids love love love to read! I have made a huge to ensure they develop a love of books. We read sooooo many books allllll the time in our home!
Okay, let's keep going with the story:
So me, being the amazing mom that I am (I'm being sarcastic), proceeded to quickly paraphrase an incredibly long Daniel Tiger book. And I wasn't paraphrasing it super enthusiastically either.
But then next to me I hear this mom reading to her son in an animated voice and really taking the time to read. She was smiling and wasn't paraphrasing the book. I'm pretty sure she had heard me whisper yell to my kid that I would "be there in a minute" about 40,000 times.
She looked so happy and like she genuinely enjoyed being a mom. I'm positive that she must have some days where is wants to lose her crap as well, but today apparently wasn't one of those days for her.
I always wonder what other mom's think when they see me when I'm feeling frustrated with my kids. I always want to kind of say something like "Oh, don't look at me like you haven't ever had one of these days!"
Basically what I'm wondering is this: How can I be genuinely happy being a mom? How can I feel fulfilled like so many other women when it comes to raising kids?
There have been so many times when I have felt like there has GOT to be more to my life than this. There HAS to be more to me than just cleaning poop out of a little potty, wiping butts, constantly preparing food, having Mother Goose Club songs stuck in my head, and playing referee for sibling fights. There NEEDS to be more for me.
The trick right now is finding out what that thing is.
So to all the other moms who feel the same way I do, you're not alone. And you don't need to be afraid to speak up about what you are feeling. It's okay to not enjoy being a mom sometimes, and it's okay for you to figure out what more you need in life to start feeling fulfilled. When you figure it out, message me and let me know! Because.... I still am searching.
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